Help. I need a laugh!

I Melt with You, the title of the Sundance screening I viewed while working as an usher last night, left me depressed. Besides the 3k decibel background music (I plugged my ears with my fingers through 3/4 of the movie!) this darkly intense, drug-weekend gone wrong, demoralizing movie seemed to me to contain no redeeming educational or entertainment value. The faces of the audience members as they left the theatre (both those who fled early and those who suffered to the bitter end) matched my mood.
     This, coupled with distressing news from a dear friend this morning, left me in dire need of a laugh. With gloom overcoming any funny, creative imagination I could conjure, I turned to the past. Many of you may have heard this (true) tale, but it still might add a little sunshine to your day.
     Being a long-distance grandma, I jumped at the chance to stay overnight with then, 2 1/2 year old twins Dylan and Cole while I visited a few years ago. My daughter Shannon and her husband Scott deserved some alone time, and I needed to bond with the kids. Perfect! Or so it seemed until two hours before the parents were due to arrive home.
     Dylan, a beautiful little girl with curly chestnut locks, and Cole, a handsome superhero with golden curly hair, played outside while I made lunch. I checked on them every few minutes from the window and all seemed well. They moved from the backyard to the living room as I finished preparing their plates.
     "Who's ready for lunch?" I called from the kitchen.
     "Wash hands," said Dylan, to my amazement. They are learning, I thought.
     Perhaps you can imagine my face as I rounded the corner and observed the twins sitting in a pile of dirt, Cole sitting wide-eyed with dirt falling from his blonde head as he turned to look at me, and Dylan, laughing, with the rest of the bucket of dirt overturned, princess-hat-style on her auburn head. The executive decision I made was undoubtedly the wrong one, as I felt the strong need to remove the dirt before it became one with the light-colored carpet. How different the scenario if I had just washed the kids and put sat them at the table while I swept up the mess. But...I thought the kids were afraid of the vacuum and instead chose to put them in their bedroom (at that time they were still unable to open the door to escape). I laughed and tried to let them know this was not meant as time out, and hurried to retrieve the vacuum. Most of the offending dirt responded to suction and within minutes the carpet reappeared. Once the vacuum was stowed, I went to retrieve the kids for lunch.
     Now, I swear the process took less than five minutes, however my previous shock was multiplied ten-fold when, after pushing away objects blocking the door, I stuck my head in the room. Every book was off the shelf. Every item had been pulled out of drawers. Beds were bare of all blankets and pillows. Toy boxes had been over-turned. The train and village from the train table were scattered all over the floor, and the train table was overturned. And, Dylan (not liking messy pants) had removed her dirty diaper (poop also appearing within said five minutes) and had moved to no less than three sitting places after being bare-bottomed!
     After seating the kids at the table and cleaning up poop, I closed their bedroom door and reached for a bottle of wine.

IT HAPPENS

Yesterday was one of those weird energy days. Thankfully, it didn't start out that way. It waited until I left the house. The first instance occurred when I tried to pull out of the library. I had plenty of room (I swear!), but the oncoming driver decided to speed up and honk rather than slow down. Hmm. Would you really rather crash into another car just to prove you were in the right? I made the turn before he hit me, and I didn't push the odds by trying to make eye contact with him.
     Once I arrived for my volunteer shift for the Sundance Film Festival, tension only mounted. Peery's Egyptian Theatre was screening My Idiot Brother to a sold out crowd (800 +), plus 70 die-hards who braved the cold and hours of waiting for a chance to get in--they didn't. Now the theatre has a policy of "No Seat Saving," which generally means two people can't arrive early and save a whole row for friends who arrive late. However, when you arrive early, find a great seat and then nature (or popcorn) calls, you might think you would be okay to leave your coat on your chair. Not so for several last night, who returned to find coats on the floor and defiant seat occupants not willing to relinquish a good seat. Add to that those who came late who also expected a great seat and got a little testy when only the front row was available. One "gentleman" asked about seats at the back. When it was explained those seats were reserved for volunteers who performed a role in the theatre (ushers, door keepers, etc.), the "gentleman" complained, "So volunteers have priority over paid ticket holders?"
     With a great movie and lots of laughter from the audience, things settled down--or so I thought, but this weird energy wasn't through. Driving home on a stretch of 50 MPH highway, a guy in dark clothes attempted to dart across the street in front of me. I did not see him until he turned around and headed back to the curb--where he began waving his arms as if to draw attention to himself to get traffic to stop. As no one could see him, no one stopped. My heart did though once I realized how close I had come to hitting the guy without even seeing him.
     As I neared home I smelled smoke and saw an ambulance and firetruck on a street near mine. From my angle I couldn't observe what was going on (nor did I try as there was enough traffic congestion already), but I added the weight of someones misfortune to my already anxious heart and only breathed a sigh of relief when I reached home and closed the garage door, sealing that weird energy out!
     I expect only good things today, though I'm somewhat concerned about leaving home. One of the perks of being a Sundance volunteer is getting a few tickets to shows. Since I'm not working tonight I can watch "The Music Never Stopped" (about a man whose memory is damaged by a brain tumor and music from his past is his only window for reengaging with the world), and not care if fistfights erupt around me! Wish me luck.